November 14, 2019
18 weeks pregnant…12 weeks + 2 days longer than my first
pregnancy.
14 weeks + 2 days since seeing those two pink lines for the second
time in my life, for the first time without fertility intervention.
And the first time I’ve been able to sit down and try to
gather and write out thoughts and try to wrap my head around all the work the
Lord has done (and continues to do) in my heart during this pregnancy.
While these words will be raw and confusing and hard and
joyful, I want to have them to look back on as a tangible reminder of this
season and of the Father’s pursuit of my heart. I also want to share them
because while no two stories are the same, I know there may be someone with
whom this will resonate, and prayerfully encourage!
Part 1: Feelings/Fears Finding out + Being an advocate for
yourself
It was the first full cycle post endometriosis and a d&c
(to check uterus for infection) when we found out we were pregnant. And we were
excited! The doctor had prescribed letrozole to start when we were ready, and
while I did get the prescription filled, we decided to hold off on taking it.
(also, while packing our closet a month earlier, I kept out a shirt in faith
that I would be needing it-another short story I’ll type up later!) The morning
was crazy…I went to Target with two fussy toddlers to get a pregnancy test, was
frantic when I didn’t have my wedding or engagement ring on at the store,
thinking I had lost it and it was no where to be found. Thankfully, when we
pulled back up at home, there it was on the doormat! I took the test,
immediately saw two pink lines and let the shaking and the tears come. While I
was excited, I was also a nervous wreck, and the cycle of endless questions and
doubts flooded my mind…
Two of these biggest being: Will I carry this baby to term
or will it end the same as the previous pregnancy? What comments will people
say about me finally being pregnant post adoption (because how dare they take
away from my sons)?
I was on the phone all morning trying to get the doctor to
have me come in for a blood test to check and follow hcg and progesterone. It
was a battle because I only first talked to office staff or nurses who didn’t
know us or our story. Long story short here, the doctor had them call me later
that night to change my first ultrasound from 8 weeks to 5.5 weeks, as well as
confirm a blood draw order for both hcg and progesterone. I started
progesterone the next day.
I am so grateful to have found an amazing doctor and
to have advocated for myself and this baby.
So while initial fears were related to loss, the Holy Spirit
was already working overtime on my heart to remind me to trust and embrace the
joy and each moment of carrying this baby. You’ll see as I share the story that
It just took me much later to finally lean into that.
What grabbed my heart the most was
the thought of pregnancy
post adoption,
and the flood of comments from those that would say things like
“I knew you’d finally have your own” or “It always happens that after someone
adopts, they get pregnant with their own”. It is for this reason I struggled
the most to have complete joy early in this pregnancy. Instead, everything
within me was scared the words of others would take away from my boys, that
while not realizing it, they were saying that this child born to me
biologically was somehow more mine that my sons through adoption. It is those
lies that I always want to protect my sons against…and
I continually pray they
know their identity as my first and second born sons, as a loved child of
God!
There was so much guilt surrounding feeling all but joy in
the beginning.
It’s a struggle I still can’t find all the words to portray and
I’m not sure you could even put a finger to understanding unless you’ve walked
it out. But, thankful for the faith and encouragement from friends that allowed
me to share the raw part of these fears and questions, that allowed me space to
be honest while speaking gospel truth into my heart. A fellow adoptive mama who
had a similar story (two sons through wombs of another, and a daughter from her
womb) shared these words that encouraged my heart:
“Know Jesus will use those
emotions (Regarding all the feelings around pregnancy post adoption) to love
and guide your boys as baby arrives.”
Another sweet friend also reminded me
that it’s ok to feel protective of my boys and it’s also ok to have joy about
this pregnancy because that is a way God grows families. The Father is a giver
of good gifts.
His gifts don’t depend on my works but His grace, and there’s no
guilt in the good gifts He gives.
I also realize this isn’t the story of everyone post an endo
surgery, and for that there’s another set of words about crediting a doctor or
thinking there’s an easy fix…I pray not only in our story, but in those that
are still walking through His answer of “not yet” or “no” that you see God is
still good and that He alone gets the glory-not just for giving good gifts, but
that HE gives us Himself!
It is THIS that he was working in my heart long
before those pink lines appeared.
The next day would bring with it more fear, and seeing God
teach me more than ever before…that I would lean into others as they raised a
Hallelujah when I felt like I couldn’t raise it for myself.
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