Another post written months ago, before we saw those two pink lines...I want you to see the journey the Lord has taken me on as I had to wrestle with my sin and pray for faith that was lacking. The Father is a good Father, that gives generously to those who ask...
3.7.19
It’s amazing that I wrote the previous blog entry above 5 months ago, and
I’m being drawn back to them now (March 2019). The Lord has been doing some digging up work
in me, in Brett, in our family over these past few months. There has been SO
MUCH growing and learning, it’s hard to even know how to write it all out, or
if I can. What I do know as I’m fighting war against my flesh now, is that wow, do we have a Father that pursues and calls us to Himself.
Over the last couple of months, the Lord has been growing me
in the area of prayer, and it has led to a lot of divine moments in being
called to specifically pray for specific areas in specific people’s lives. I am
praying over several friends who are waiting-waiting for healing, waiting for
marriage, waiting for babies, and here I circle back around to a waiting period
as well. One I’ve had lots of practice with, but still am not that great at
doing well.
While I am so thankful to have found Creighton model
charting for fertility, and it has led us to an amazing doctor with some
answers,
we wait again…
The doctor seems to think that I have endometriosis, so we
have scheduled surgery for June 12th. The first opening was in May,
so I just decided to push it to June when school is out. I will also at that
time, have part of a fibroid removed, another hsg test to see if my fallopian
tubes are open, and a look in the uterus to check for possible infection.
3 months…
While I was super excited to finally find a doctor to have a
possible answer to painful periods and infertility, I was a little discouraged
to have surgery so far away. I wanted to do it like that day…It’s the curse of
living in this fallen world of instant gratification.
Yet, in the same instant, I felt the Lord saying “it’s
because I have far greater plans for you than an instant surgery fix. I am
pushing surgery because I want to show you my power and have you not depend on
charting or answers from a doctor.” But also, I immediately questioned whether
I should even verbalize that or if it was in my own head. Why?
Because at the
root of it, if I’m honest, there is a distrust.
I also pondered the thought of just starting the adoption
process again…but again, not sure what’s my personal desire and where the
Lord’s leading. As the Lord has worked on my heart in the area of prayer, I am
reminded to pray and posture myself in such a position to be so in tuned to the
Lord that my desires and where the Lord is leading are one…where there’s no question about that and I don’t let the enemy have a foothold in my life to
place doubt.
You see, I also have a tendency to rush into the next phase
of life rather than sitting still and enjoying where the Lord has me now. (Even as I get ready to publish this for other eyes to see, I'm still struggling to enjoy the moment in time and place where God has me). I
never want to be ungrateful for what we have right now in this moment. I never
want to rush away this time with my boys or rush away Connor being the
youngest. I know the Bible is clear on seasons of being still.
I was blessed to be invited to a women’s conference with a
friend where the Lord really revealed through the speakers there that there is
a difference between head knowledge and REALLY believing in our hearts. Only
the Lord can help us do that, because after all, our hearts are above all
deceitful.
So, I sit here typing this while a battle is going on inside
as I ponder, where in my heart, I’m not truly believing the gospel, where I’m
not fully believing the Lord.
And I know at some root of it, I’m not wanting to hope for
pregnancy because, although as I’m studying Genesis and God has done it time
and time again, I am beginning to see
I don’t believe He’ll do it for me.
I also am letting satan have a foothold and
bringing up so much guilt for desiring that. Guilt that I should be so thankful
for what I have right now and that I shouldn’t bother God for something more.
It’s always an endless circle. But as I listened to Maria
Durso this morning, faith is a gift from God, and where I lack faith, I can
confidently ask the Lord to give it to me.
So I am asking for faith, Father,
that I will believe you will grow our family in miraculous ways!
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