Today was supposed to be the day I was due to give birth to our first born...Instead, here I sit not just with empty hands, but an empty womb. I also don't think my body got the memo that it is not preparing to give birth anymore with the amount of weight I've gained but that's for a different post. I wanted to make this post positive and share not about what we don't have, but what the Lord so graciously (and patiently) reminds me that I do have. Yet, today, that is so very hard to do. I want to question, to be bitter, to grieve our loss, but most of all just remember our babies. So here is their little story...
The last year has been a huge joy to truly know fulfillment in Christ, but it has not come without a huge struggle. I began the IVF process with birth control pills (as prescribed) in August. In September, I had to undergo a hysteroscopy, a procedure to widen the cervix. For me, this confirmed our decision to seek out medical help, as we would never have known this issue had we not visited the doctor.
We moved forward and I began the nightly shots on November 1st. Our kitchen literally looked like a drug lab with all the mixing of medicines we had to do (For those that like the details, I was taking a vial of Bravelle and a vial of Menopur; added in another Menopur on day 7). Brett gave them to me for a total of 9 nights, with the last 4 nights consisting of two shots. He was a trooper for being patient with me as we continued to pump hormones into my body (as if we aren't already crazy enough without the added hormones).
On November 9th, I had 5 follicles, and the doctor already did not seem positive we would retrieve but maybe 2 mature eggs out of those 5 follicles. We did the egg retrieval on November 11th and had 4 eggs! 3 of those eggs fertilized, and 2 grew big enough to be transferred. Praise God for better news than the doctors were anticipating. He is Able! On November 14th, we transferred our two embryos (the most smooth procedure I've had done yet, after two very horrible IUI transfers).
I took the call on November 25th and was so excited to hear the nurse say "Your hcg is positive so congratulations. Your level was at 28 so the doctor wants you to come back to repeat to ensure it's rising". Although I was extremely hesitant, we went out to dinner to celebrate with friends. That night, I began bleeding and cramping and it was that night I remember saying to Brett, "There is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it."
Over the next couple of days my levels rose, good news, but on the December 1st blood draw, they had not risen at the rate that a viable pregnancy would rise. I was officially told that day that the pregnancy was abnormal. I was scheduled for an ultrasound on December 4th-there was no sac, but hcg continued to rise (now in 300's). I was told to discontinue progesterone and wait for the miscarriage to take its course.
We had already made plans to go to Charlotte the weekend of December 5th, which was a nice distraction. However, on the ride home on the 7th, I experienced one of the hardest days yet as I began cramping, having horrible back pain, and feeling like I was going into labor. It was this day that I passed tissue that I am certain was one of our embryos. I was devastated. What do you do, when you're only almost 6 weeks along, and no one around understands there is not just emotional pain, but physical pain as well? I was overwhelmed at the sense of loss we were enduring.
Over the course of the month of December, I continued to get blood drawn about every 3 days to make sure levels were going down. On my December 18th draw, my hcg rose back to 254 (from 140's). It is so hard feeling like a mom, hopeful that maybe one embryo was still fighting. However, after yet another ultrasound revealed empty uterus, and hcg rose to 296, I was prescribed cytotec to induce the remaining miscarriage. This was yet another really hard step to take when I only wanted to birth and love my babies. However, I knew it had to be done. Trust me, I had to work through a lot of questions, guilt and prayer through this process! Even now, it is hard to take in such a loss. After 2 days of cytotec not working, I went in on December 22nd for a D&C. An ultrasound was performed again, again showed nothing in the uterus, but now possible tubal pregnancy. I was sent into surgery to have a laparoscopy and a D&C. Christmas was spent recovering in AL from the surgery and continuing to feel the weight of the loss, emotionally and physically.
On January 2nd, hcg was not dropping at a good rate, so I was administered the methotrexate shot, which completed the miscarriage process. I went again every 3 days in January until I had my final blood draw on Jan 30th.
I write all this to say what I did not know...miscarriage is not something that just happens over night, but can be a long long process, and forever remains a part of who you are. I could not have walked that journey without the encouragement of the Holy Spirit, and the love, support and prayers of Brett, family and friends. Although there are still times that I remain closed off, don't call to catch up with friends because it can still be hard to talk about, today, I just want to say THANK YOU to each of you that prayed for us and continued to love us through this.
On their Due Date, I just want to say what a blessing from God for giving us those two little miracles, even if for an extremely short time, as they gave me the heart of a mom who knows loss and love! They point me to a Heavenly Father who also knows loss and love and is able to understand and love me through the hard times!
For those that are still reading...
How can you help?
Continue to pray for us as we walk this day every year, and pray that we stay mindful of our 1st prayer on this journey: That we be able to say God is ALWAYS Good!
What's next for us?
The meaning of today makes this question hard to answer, because each time I feel we are ready to move to the next step, some other door opens/thought arises. Today, I just feel stuck and missing being able to give birth to my first! We do not know what parenting looks like for us, so could you also pray for CLEAR direction from The Lord for building our family.
I will leave you with this song that a fellow infertility sister recently shared:
The last year has been a huge joy to truly know fulfillment in Christ, but it has not come without a huge struggle. I began the IVF process with birth control pills (as prescribed) in August. In September, I had to undergo a hysteroscopy, a procedure to widen the cervix. For me, this confirmed our decision to seek out medical help, as we would never have known this issue had we not visited the doctor.
We moved forward and I began the nightly shots on November 1st. Our kitchen literally looked like a drug lab with all the mixing of medicines we had to do (For those that like the details, I was taking a vial of Bravelle and a vial of Menopur; added in another Menopur on day 7). Brett gave them to me for a total of 9 nights, with the last 4 nights consisting of two shots. He was a trooper for being patient with me as we continued to pump hormones into my body (as if we aren't already crazy enough without the added hormones).
On November 9th, I had 5 follicles, and the doctor already did not seem positive we would retrieve but maybe 2 mature eggs out of those 5 follicles. We did the egg retrieval on November 11th and had 4 eggs! 3 of those eggs fertilized, and 2 grew big enough to be transferred. Praise God for better news than the doctors were anticipating. He is Able! On November 14th, we transferred our two embryos (the most smooth procedure I've had done yet, after two very horrible IUI transfers).
I took the call on November 25th and was so excited to hear the nurse say "Your hcg is positive so congratulations. Your level was at 28 so the doctor wants you to come back to repeat to ensure it's rising". Although I was extremely hesitant, we went out to dinner to celebrate with friends. That night, I began bleeding and cramping and it was that night I remember saying to Brett, "There is something wrong with my baby and there is nothing I can do about it."
Over the next couple of days my levels rose, good news, but on the December 1st blood draw, they had not risen at the rate that a viable pregnancy would rise. I was officially told that day that the pregnancy was abnormal. I was scheduled for an ultrasound on December 4th-there was no sac, but hcg continued to rise (now in 300's). I was told to discontinue progesterone and wait for the miscarriage to take its course.
We had already made plans to go to Charlotte the weekend of December 5th, which was a nice distraction. However, on the ride home on the 7th, I experienced one of the hardest days yet as I began cramping, having horrible back pain, and feeling like I was going into labor. It was this day that I passed tissue that I am certain was one of our embryos. I was devastated. What do you do, when you're only almost 6 weeks along, and no one around understands there is not just emotional pain, but physical pain as well? I was overwhelmed at the sense of loss we were enduring.
Over the course of the month of December, I continued to get blood drawn about every 3 days to make sure levels were going down. On my December 18th draw, my hcg rose back to 254 (from 140's). It is so hard feeling like a mom, hopeful that maybe one embryo was still fighting. However, after yet another ultrasound revealed empty uterus, and hcg rose to 296, I was prescribed cytotec to induce the remaining miscarriage. This was yet another really hard step to take when I only wanted to birth and love my babies. However, I knew it had to be done. Trust me, I had to work through a lot of questions, guilt and prayer through this process! Even now, it is hard to take in such a loss. After 2 days of cytotec not working, I went in on December 22nd for a D&C. An ultrasound was performed again, again showed nothing in the uterus, but now possible tubal pregnancy. I was sent into surgery to have a laparoscopy and a D&C. Christmas was spent recovering in AL from the surgery and continuing to feel the weight of the loss, emotionally and physically.
On January 2nd, hcg was not dropping at a good rate, so I was administered the methotrexate shot, which completed the miscarriage process. I went again every 3 days in January until I had my final blood draw on Jan 30th.
I write all this to say what I did not know...miscarriage is not something that just happens over night, but can be a long long process, and forever remains a part of who you are. I could not have walked that journey without the encouragement of the Holy Spirit, and the love, support and prayers of Brett, family and friends. Although there are still times that I remain closed off, don't call to catch up with friends because it can still be hard to talk about, today, I just want to say THANK YOU to each of you that prayed for us and continued to love us through this.
On their Due Date, I just want to say what a blessing from God for giving us those two little miracles, even if for an extremely short time, as they gave me the heart of a mom who knows loss and love! They point me to a Heavenly Father who also knows loss and love and is able to understand and love me through the hard times!
Their story will forever continue as a part of mine...to prayerfully point others to a God who loves, understands, and is always good!
For those that are still reading...
How can you help?
Continue to pray for us as we walk this day every year, and pray that we stay mindful of our 1st prayer on this journey: That we be able to say God is ALWAYS Good!
What's next for us?
The meaning of today makes this question hard to answer, because each time I feel we are ready to move to the next step, some other door opens/thought arises. Today, I just feel stuck and missing being able to give birth to my first! We do not know what parenting looks like for us, so could you also pray for CLEAR direction from The Lord for building our family.
I will leave you with this song that a fellow infertility sister recently shared:
Oh Shea, my heart breaks for you today. Thank you for sharing your journey, and I am praying for you!❤️
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