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What's in a Name?

We have a date!!

We finally have our court date for Zac's adoption finalization, and although he became ours when he was placed in our arms/stole our hearts on July 3, 2016 at 3:30 am, there is something special about him officially receiving our last name and becoming a Watson, especially on December 22...

The fall/winter holidays (Thanksgiving through New Years) are my absolute favorite. They have also become some of the hardest for me.  Thanksgiving always reminds me of the day (in 2014) we found out I was pregnant, yet it also reminds me of the loss that followed in December of that year.

Having Zac home with us this year brings a new level of emotion...I so wish I would have been able to give birth to our two precious babies, but I find myself feeling waves of guilt because I never want Zac to think that I would choose them over him. I want so badly to be able to celebrate this Christmas with all three of my babies.  I find this new season of life/motherhood very difficult to balance those feelings.

It's hard when people ask me if Zac is my first. I always say "He's my firstborn," aching for others to understand both the pain and joy in those words.

I still find myself sad when others post pregnancy announcements, labor and delivery pictures or their struggles with breastfeeding, because that was/still is such a desire of my heart. Yet, I find I am upset/angry with myself for feeling that way, wishing that I didn't because we do have a perfectly written pregnancy and labor story in our adoption...one I wouldn't trade for anything!!

This trying to balance sadness, grief, guilt, joy...it breaks me. On my own, I do not know how to best face it or how to truly feel...I want the sadness to go away, yet I want to grieve/be able to miss the babies we lost. Most of all, I want others to simply remember too.

So, on Thanksgiving, my husband listens to me vent as we mourn our loss.  Together, we look to Christ-the One who shows us it's ok to feel, and who reminds us we serves a God that experienced loss as he sent His son to die for us, a God that knows us, restores us to Himself, loves us unconditionally and intimately. 

I am currently participating in and Advent Devotional (found here) and what beautiful reminders it has been as welcome the Christmas season-that God, becoming a baby, gave up everything for us, bearing the name Immanuel, God with us; it is a name that reminds me God knows me, loves me anyway and chooses to be with me always! 

I smile this season at another name too...Zachary, "The Lord remembers"
How sweet to look at my precious son, knowing the Lord remembers-He remembers our loss, our journey and the beautiful story He wrote for us and for Zachary.

On December 22, a date that marks the anniversary of my D&C, the Lord has so graciously turned ashes into beauty, giving us this date to both remember and celebrate life as Zachary James will officially get our last name, Watson!

Dates are hard, especially around the holidays. I grieve with all of you that struggle through this season with sadness, loss, anger, doubt, questions...I pray you receive the life God breathes into each day, that you see the beauty he is making out of your ashes and maybe for some of you, that it will be a season you receive a new name too, as son or daughter to the King!

With Love!
Shea 

Comments

  1. UnknownDecember 2, 2016 at 6:12 PM

    Shea, I'm thankful to read your heart here and grateful to God for you following along with the advent devo, especially seeing your story and anticipating the way you will probably connect with a few of the posts later on in December... tomorrow being one of them. The Lord does remember. I love the christmas story because it is the greatest demonstration of that. He remembers his covenant with His people. He keeps all of his wonderful promises.

    Love,
    Abbey at gentleleading.com

    ReplyDelete

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