Yet Not My Will BUT...

On the beginning of Easter weekend, and in remembrance of Good Friday today, how do I put into words The Father's Love and Grace that pours out to me (and to you) in that 3 letter word-a word that over the last few months brought with it such hardship:

-Your beta results show that you are pregnant, so congratulations BUT... we need to re-draw tomorrow.
-Your number is rising BUT...not at the rate we want it to.
-Your blood work still shows a positive test BUT...we are afraid that the pregnancy is not viable.
-Your body still thinks you are pregnant BUT...nothing is showing on the ultrasound
-I was pregnant BUT never got to hold my sweet baby(ies) in my arms this side of heaven, but a gift I will always be thankful for!

Today marks 3 months since I had to be administered a methotrexate shot to complete my miscarriage, and boy was it a hard day to swallow. I cannot wait to share the glory in how God reigned even through that trial, BUT that post will have to wait.

Today, I want to share with you Hope through the Cross and what God opened my eyes to see as I read, studied and prayed His Word with our small group last night. As we read the crucifixion story, I became overwhelmed with the reminder of God's love in a way that I haven't before through a new perspective on that three little word- BUT...

There is such comfort in the prayer that Jesus prayed in Luke 22:42.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will BUT yours be done."

What a new perspective that three letter word brings...a story of TRUST...
-The crucifixion was brutal, BUT Jesus willingly took it on for ME!
-Jesus shows us it's OK to admit things are hard BUT He submitted to the will of the Father
-The people mocked him saying "if you are the Christ save yourself" BUT He saw the bigger picture and knew it was worth it to save US ALL!"

I loved how a pastor at the Summit said it last Sunday: Being convinced of what Christ has done [on the cross] gives me confidence of what He will do! Oh what Sweet FREEDOM is found in that truth!

Another thing that really got my attention was this account, also from Luke. As Jesus was being led to the crucifixion Luke 23:29 says (Jesus says)

"For the time will come when you will say, 'BLESSED are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' "  

Wow! That one hit me...do I really believe that in my season of barrenness that I am Blessed? Do you believe that in your season of barrenness (whether in the longing of a baby, a job, marriage, a friend or family member that you continue to pray comes to know the Lord or something else the Lord has Yet to give you) you too are blessed? There would have been a time in the past that I would have laughed and said no way...the times when I was angry, frustrated, jealous, bitter BUT Thanks to God for not letting me stay in that season for long. That verse is a reminder that Oh what a JOY it will be in Heaven when barrenness will be no more!

This year, the crucifixion, for me, screams Trust and Hope like never before. Hebrews 10 has been a passage that I have spoken back to myself so much recently. Verse 34 says

"...You even had joy when all that you owned was taken from you, because you knew you had something better and more lasting!"

I love how the Spirit can speak such convicting truth into our lives in a way that brings such peace and joy! Despite losing my babies, despite losing a job, it pales in comparison to what I do have...My Jesus!!

This story also brings such a HOPE...
Because Jesus defeated Death through the Resurrection. It is a reminder that Sunday Comes...it may not be three days later, or three years later, but God promises it WILL come!

I was blessed to be able to attend a Women's Conference at my church a few weeks ago, and was encouraged to sit under the teachings of Cindy Peterson, Jada Edwards & Sara Hagerty (check out Sarah's blog over at http://everybitterthingissweet.com/ ).

Cindy spoke on losing her son and a quote she shared that has become my anthem is this:

This sucks BUT GOD I KNOW YOU LOVE ME!

Sara redefined for me, the favor of God and seeing it as sweetness in the bitter moments life brings. I have also been encouraged through her book to not talk myself out of hope. As we look to the cross this weekend, and find Hope that our "Sunday" will come, I want to share this excerpt from her book:

"When I choose hope, when I choose to engage in that awkward intimacy of believing that He might say no while asking expectantly that He say yes, He gets the most beautiful part of me. Hope is my precious oil, mingling with tears to wash His feet. Hope, and the vulnerability it brings, is what moves His heart. Hope, and how it draws me to Him, means that not one of those minutes curled up in pain was lost, not one of those minutes of closeness with Him is forgotten, not one of those negative pregnancy tests was wasted.

I choose to stand with those at the edge of the flames and say with my life, "Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O King." And I choose to say too, "BUT if not..." Hope is still worth it when my desire becomes one crazy, beautiful offering to Him."  

Praying for you this weekend Friends...that you find HOPE, JOY and LOVE at the Cross!!
Please let me know how I can be praying for you!