Like Arrows in the Hand of a Warrior...

All Scripture is God-Breathed...

"Behold children are a heritage from the Lord...Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are children of one's youth." Ps. 127:3-4

I received this necklace in the mail a few weeks ago from a sweet friend...A perfect gesture at the perfect time to mark not only the journey the Lord was bringing us through, but to also remember our sweet babies.

I have wanted to start this blog for quite some time, but couldn't find the words to perfectly convey all the Lord has placed on my heart over the last few months. But here I am...a day off of school for the snow and snuggled on my couch with a cup of coffee, ready to tell you our story on what would be the mark of 17 weeks today with these little ones. 

There have been so many nights in the last few months that I have tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep despite pure exhaustion-due in part to physical and mental exhaustion from teaching high school math, but mostly due to pure emotional exhaustion...

I dreamed of the day that I would become a wife, and have been extremely blessed over the last 5 1/2 years to take on that role to Brett. Between 4 moves, 2 deployments and now making our home here in the Raleigh area, it has been a true joy to do life with my absolute best friend. I have the privilege of watching him grow in the Lord and become such a faithful man after God's heart. Brett loves and serves so well. It is because of God's love, His constant pursuit of us and Brett's godly leadership in our family that I can write these words through gospel centered truth as I sit here this morning, to faithfully share our journey. Being called a child of God and a wife to Brett are my favorite things.

I have also long dreamed of the day, and the way that we would get to share with the world that we were going to take on the role of being mommy and daddy. The words we would use to do so have ran through my mind a million different times and a hundred different ways. It is what has kept me up at night, praying, since November 25th, 2014 that God would give me the right words to share with you-the truth, the fear, the disappointment, the anger, the heartbreak and yet the pure joy that we have experienced over the last few months. There have been days I deal with one of these emotions, and there have been more days that I experience them all at once. 

This is my attempt to do life with family and friends, especially those that do not live near; it is my hope we can celebrate and grieve, but above all, delight in the Lord together. It is also a way to record our story as well as share God's love and faithfulness to us. 

Those that follow me on facebook may have seen a verse that I posted recently. Daniel 3:17-18 says, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O King, but EVEN IF HE DOES NOT...we will not serve your gods." 

Those 5 words have been on my heart so much lately...I won't attempt to tell the entire story in one post, but I want to give a back story and just a glimpse of how God has used our heartbreak to lead us where we are, of how He has turned our mourning into gladness (Psalm 30:11).

When Brett and I were in the middle of fertility treatments in Wilmington over 2 years ago, long before we knew we would be living in Raleigh, my cousin sent me a sermon by JD Greear (Pastor at The Summit Church) about waiting on the Lord and living a life that says "it is well with my soul". When God led us to Brett's job in Raleigh, it was the 1st church we visited and we have not looked elsewhere. It is where we have found faithful, gospel centered community.

Our story isn't about the "If He does not" but more about the "When He does and it doesn't look like what we think it should"...

When we asked our small group to pray about our journey to become parents through IVF, we specifically asked them to pray that no matter the outcome, we would be able to say 

God is still great! 

They were faithful to pray not only what we had asked, but more importantly for our child's salvation, and God was faithful to answer those prayers.

Here we continue to sit in the biggest trial of our lives, and for me, some days are harder than others... We found out on November 25th that we were expecting! That night, I had that terrible sense that there was something wrong with my baby(ies) and there was nothing I could do...
There are so many parts of our journey that I want to share (that will follow soon) but within a week of that date, I began a miscarriage that lasted until February 6th. 

People most often share about their struggle with infertility after they have had what society may call a "successful pregnancy" or they have a successful adoption. Please join me in praying for those that anxiously await the chance to become parents. There are so many things about a loss (whether it be miscarriage, adoption that  has fallen through, or loss of a child way too soon) that you do not know until you have been there. Brett and I are mommy and daddy to little ones that we will not see, hold, love on, kiss, read to, watch grow up or continue to pray over, this side of heaven; BUT it has been in this journey that God has continued to reveal more of Himself to us and shown us the need, now through the eyes of a parent, all people have for Him. It is this love that compels us (2 Corinthians 5:14) and gives us hope. 

Whatever you may be struggling with today, I am praying these two things for Brett and me, as well as for you! 

*That we can say, glorifying and trusting God matters more to me than the anger or disappointment life may bring!

*That we faithfully live a life that shows CHRIST is ENOUGH! But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

Not a single day goes by that I do not think of, miss and remain thankful for my little angels, my arrows...that He/She can be used still to keep me mindful of the Lord's work in my life, and point others to the God that loves beyond what we can comprehend!